Wedding Frustrating Committee (WFC)
One of my best movies of last year remains The Wedding Party. Kai, that movie make sense. If I could make money for the number of times I have watched it eh, I for don hammer now.
Yes, I love weddings, unapologetically too. And it’s not because I am a woman, but more because I am a Nigerian. Let’s face it; weddings are the average Nigerian’s weekend-free-food-opportunity events. It’s also our opportunity to socialize, admire, and get admired. But then eh, planning a wedding in Nigeria is not a small task. It is unique in its own way. Attaining a high level of satisfaction on the sides of both couple and guests is most times, missing. I mean, who has ever had a perfect wedding? It is like there are usually determined to put sand in somebody’s garri.
When it comes to frustrating someone eh, I give it up for Photographers and camera men. Kai!
I was at a studio sometime ago, and the woman there was threatening to call the cops on the cameraman. Why? After being paid the full money for the video of the traditional wedding, he lost the tape and there was no backup.
Just imagine the nonsense! Imagine losing the memory of one of the most important days of your life because of someone’s incompetence. EFCC, Mopol, Airforce, and even US Navy Seals suppose arrest that guy o. Aw can you be joking with somebody’s life jus like that naa?
Some will even snap the whole day and at the end you will find out that they were just flashing light on your face, “kuku kee me”.
Caterers and food sharers are the next in line. 80% of wedding problems come from them. Their wahala don too much. They have the power to do and undo, make smile or vex, only them. And for a typical Nigerian, “a successful wedding is one in which the food is good, plentiful and available”. Quote me!
If the bride like, let her wear tarpaulin, the sight of good food excuses any wardrobe malfunction, especially when it is our beloved Nigerian Jollof, well prepared and garnished, the groom can also tie wrapper for all we care because ‘all we are sayiinnng, give us jolloffffff’, but when the caterer is a shareholder in Wedding Frustrating Committee, you could have a scene where you call her to know what’s up with stuff, the next thing you just hear is “ah ah, Aunty Mulikat, is the wedding on the 8th of August? I thought it was on the 18th?’’.
And this is happening by 10:30pm on the 6th of August.
Village people :50
Aunty Mulikat: 0.
Or you may be unlucky to land in a kitchen malfunction; the woman after drinking Kunu in the dream will wake up and prepare Salt and add a little Rice to it.
But if you are lucky enough, and your wedding food was delicious and enough, everyone ate well, the caterers didn’t take half of the food home even after being paid the full amount, just know that your village people drank sleeping medicine, and it worked overtime.
The next very important members of the WFC are the make-up artists. You are bound to have a bad face day if the artist decides to; depending on his/her mood. These ones can decide to abscond, come late, give you a leopard patch makeup design, or just plainly turn you to a rainbow. Just don’t get on their bad side or you could have the makeup running down your face before the day ends.
That scene in ‘The Wedding Party’ where the guards were trying to stop those without invites from entering the venue and at the end we had them pushing the guards aside and running in, shows you that no matter how hard you try, guests have a way of changing your plans.
Ehen, some people will now be like “I don’t want plenty people in my wedding. I want a private ceremony; just close family and few friends”. Na so! In this our Naija?
Sister, come lemme advise you, inugo?
You see eh, planning a wedding and expecting that same amount of persons to come is like going to Balogun market and hoping that only 50 people will open shop. If you shaa insist, just try and budget for gate crashers. You know them now: the 4th generation cousin of your father, the great aunt that packed your grandmother’s poop and washed her nappy clothes, and your Mother’s age grade meeting members, and her August meeting people.
That’s unless you plan to have the wedding in the sky (or in Dubai), and in that case, only those who can fly will be there. But even at that, we will still wait for you to finish in the sky and come and meet us on the ground. Abi, will you live there?
And how did I even forget the plenty ‘tag alongs’: those that escorted the person that is escorting the extended maternal cousin, and the guys who just finished playing football and need somewhere to take free coke, private wedding ko, fifty persons ni.
For the average Nigerian wedding, where there is exchange of gifts, I have actually seen where tissue was packaged in an envelope to look like a wad of cash and given to the couple. Or is it the one where someone cut pieces of paper and packaged, just in a bid to collect gift.
Finally, you could be blessed with a wedding director. These ones always have a ‘better’ idea of how things should be done, how the bride should dance to avoid village people doing some Bluetooth transfers, how the cake cutting knife should be held or just how gifts should be shared. With their overzealous nature, you never run short of ideas or directions even if most of them are just off the hook.
Despite all, we still need everyone to spice up the big day, just pray that they come with enough of those spices.
And asking a Harvard ‘Wedding Planning degree’ holder to plan a wedding between an Ogbomosho man and an Nsukka lady will only leave you gasping for air. Ask aunty Kemi in ‘The Wedding Party’.
Abegi, no matter how it turns out, just dance it off, it only lasts for a day.
So let me hear you, have you ever had or witnessed annoying or just funny wedding frustrating committee members at work? Let’s talk in the comment section.